I don’t know what to do…I do at the end of this post
Ex-boss, still works at work but not in same country is in same country. I think I misconstrued a stressful, traumatic experience I was a part of that happened to her as a bonding experience. I thought we became friends. But all evidence points to not-friends. It points to ‘worked together’. Truly indifference is worse than rejection. I just don’t feel like I can assume a friendship when I have no idea what value I offer to her. Of all my friends I know I have some value, they want to see me, we share conversations, we share laughs. With this one we share an unspoken of history, that I think was more impactful on me than her. Do I say, “Sorry, I thought we were friends, but I realise I was wrong.” Do I just say nothing and leave it. It was mostly my contact that kept it going. (a source of bitterness. bitterness and hurt. see how I’m blaming myself – this is what I don’t like how unkind I am to myself about this ‘relationship’. ) The difference I suppose with this is the depth of the traumatic experience. I think, my little voice is saying, ‘let it go’. If there was anything there, it’s done. I deserve to be treated with more respect. What I like about my friends is that I can be me, but they challenge me. It’s all challenge with this one. No contact for six months, and I was fine. Career and vocation discussions can be channeled elsewhere. I think I should let this go. Which is very sad to me. But there’s nothing there for me, except judging myself, judging the quality of the relationship, hurt. I do wonder if I’m expecting too much. At minimum what do I expect from a friend? Contact. Sharing. More than one connector (not just work).
But then I worry that I’m reading more/less into this than is real. She did have a traumatic event. So I can’t ‘call her out.’ However, she’s booked time with everyone else. I think I’m just embarrassed. I feel foolish. Even when I write am I making more of it than there is, I know – deep down - I deserve to be treated with the same respect I give others. I made a mistake. I read more into it than there was. I wouldn’t have done anything different in terms of tokens of support I gave. I just wish I didn’t have expectations of reciprocations. I’m crying now. For the loss of a friendship that wasn’t there. For investing in a relationship that wasn’t reciprocated. For being vulnerable and being…not rejected, just not returned. Happens all over the world, to millions of people. She’ll always be the biggest professional influence on my life to this point. We’ll still have a professional connection. That’s all.
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