Revelation 2.0

OK. So I realise I can achieve whatever I put my mind to. I want love, I want intimacy – envision it. So ‘The Secret’, so new-agey, but I know it works for me. Or at least I believe in the power of my sub-conscious given I credit it as they main source of my creativity. So I’m visualising this ideal relationship, this ideal man. And then I get to an intimacy bit and I realise “why would anyone want something from me?” “why would anyone seek affection from me?” “what do I have they can’t get from anyone else?” How super sad that I don’t think I’m worthy of being loved. It’s like, “shit! – how do I get out of this one” I’m not 20, not a young naive (naive in many ways, but not in years).

I had a good childhood, parents who fight but still kiss eachother when Dad gets home from work. No abuse. No drug past, no drunken parents. No traumatic events (that I can recall). Sure Ma was big on praising everyone but her children, but as an adult I know she’s proud. What is it that has made me the way I am.

What’s worthy of love? Then I thought, well, the me, right now, she’s a bit of a wreck – know her one way (i.e. one snide remark, playful put down, or askance look) and I’d just deflate/melt into oblivion. Maybe I need to visualise a me that I like first.

I extra-notice all the relationships I see in this state. Look at wedding ring fingers. Think how lucky people are – even in bad relationships, at least they have the ‘x’ I seem to be missing to attract. At least they have experience. Of course, my secret paranoia is that I just never noticed someone attracted to me. But c’mon – I ain’t oblivious to people around me. I’ve got to read people and have empathy with all kinds of situations to do my job. I do actually think it goes back to the “I’m not worthy of love”.

Who’s worthy – or maybe, who’s the ideal me?

• confident in my own skin
• comfortable as myself
• self-assured, but not arrogant (I think when I get arrogant at work it goes back to the fact that I think being good at my job is the only thing that makes me special – gives me a purpose or place on this earth)
• kind, not a doormat, but generous in spirit
• confident in my creativity, and lover of learning – aha, but I am thinking of work and vocation here. I ain’t such a lover when it comes to self-learning because I can tell you I’ve been in this thought space before

I feel like I’m onto something here. I shall stop and let it mull.

~ by gomhead on March 3, 2008.