Hmmmm.

When I saw a blind woman walking down the street arm-in-stump with a handless possibly-thalidomide gent I thought, Holy shit, if a blind woman can be with someone how repellent must I be that I attract no one? (They looked like a pretty happy couple so I did like that – I like people being happy.) Today, woman at work who lost her husband a year ago (died, unexpectedly) tells me she’s met someone. Today, Martian attacks me in a meeting. Repeat of meeting yesterday where we had a screaming at each other fight resulting in me telling him to “wipe that stupid cheshire cat grin off his face” I would have liked to have added ‘fat face’ but, y’know, you work with what you’ve got. I don’t like what I’ve become at work – angry, negative, cynical. I’ve got a slightly cynical edge normally, but I’m all edge lately. (this entry will all add up soon). At work today ‘motivational’ speaker talks about commitment. She also said something about happiness = purpose. Adding up the ‘I’m (supposedly) nothing special’, ‘people live this normal life why not me (as per my perceived conventions of babies, own home, partner, sparkling career) ‘, attacked and attacking in a job I don’t love but doing a discipline I do I reckon maybe because I’m not committed to what I perceive as my true talent – design, humour, production, gifts – I have no purpose = not happy. Maybe what it is that people get from babies, partners, careers, is a sense of purpose. (I’ll probably later riff on the people having kids subject). Maybe what I’ve got to do is find my purpose, connect it to my talent and trust that good things will come. I know it’s no-one’s fault/responsibility but my own. Maybe I’ve got to commit to fulfilling my talent. Because I know, blessing/curse – whatever I set my mind to and believe I can achieve I achieve. I’ll never be loved – hey, look at that – never been loved. Want to get all the way through Knights of Cydonia on Guitar Hero – hey, second go I get all the way through. If I can harness that awesome power I have, I may just be happy. Purposefully and consciously. And who knows what world that opens up to me. gotta do it. gotta do it. Otherwise, what is the point, existence ain’t living.

~ by gomhead on February 27, 2008.