Revelation 1.0

Dr Phil (who I don’t like but he did say this next line) says to people who describe their habits and the lacklustre results they get , “How’s that working out for ya”. Revelation – I live very inwardly, don’t offend, don’t upset – consequence, few connections, no intimacy – how’s that working out for me. Not so much. OK. I work that out, how do I remedy it? Do I cease to think about other people’s feelings – I know I don’t like it when people are needy…perhaps it because I am needy, uh, uh??! But am I actually protecting people or just perpetuating my theory that I don’t matter, wouldn’t be missed, am just a satellite part of people’s lives. I’m a fucking misery when I see it in writing! I lately think I have a slow metabolism for living. Takes me a while, but I get there in the end. But that’s career, money. That stuff’s easy (relatively speaking) when compared to relationships which I completely suck at. Which I probably suck at because I think I suck at them. I kinda don’t want to be 60 before I’m loved. One of my big dreads is living a long life – because if it’s this life than I just can’t think of anything more like the definition of suffering. How pathetic. I sue pathetic in the evoking sorrow sense, not the contemptibly inadequate sense.

Probably my rage and feeling towards work is because I have no such passionate outlet outside of work. Pathetic. I do wonder why I am the way I am. Deep down I think (hope) it’s because I’m meant for something more. Underneath that deep down I fear it maybe a bit-player part where in 20 years time the hero of the story asks me the time or directions and my bit is done.

~ by gomhead on February 24, 2008.